On Leaving

Chapter Ten.

Page 290 of 365.

On Leaving.


I'm 21 and never had a chance to move somewhere faraway.
I never had a chance of saying goodbye.
I never had a chance of leaving something behind.
So it's kinda hard for me to move on.

But now,
i have to.

And it's the hardest thing to do.
Almost impossible.
Because i always thought moving on means you forgot everything.

How can you forget someone who gives you so much to remember?

I'm trying.
And take that baby steps.

The first day i decided to leave everything behind was disastrous.
Everything, every small little thing reminds me of J.
And i felt stupid.

How can you miss something you never had?

My friend tell me to stop entertaining the memories.
I'm not.
It just happens.

Today is the second day.
I come to a realization that it's what best for us.

I have to learn to let go of everything in order to gain something better.

Was it easy?
Nope.
But i know this is what i have to do.
This is the consequence i have to bear.

I found a picture of J just now.
And when i look at it, i just thought:
There you go, J. 

No hurt feeling,
No longing feeling.
Just a used-to feeling.

I was scared that someday i'm going to forget about J.
I was scared that someday someone's going to be as valuable as J to me.
Now, i'm not so sure.
I feel like i can wait to find that somebody.

Well, i guess this is my first lesson about leaving.

You have to move somewhere in order to leave something behind.

Another Thought About Secret

Chapter Ten.

Page 289 of 365.

Another Thought About Secret.


What is your secret?


Everytime i go somewhere, whenever i meet people, i think of something: what is your secret?

Because i know the answer will always be a slight nod.
We all have secrets.
We all have something that we keep for ourselves, hoping that no one will find out about it.

Yet we sometimes give our friends clues about our secrets.
We sometimes share a piece of our secrets but never the complete story.
We are scared yet we want to be understood.

Sometimes i hate how i love writing.
Because i can not lie when i write.
I always be honest in my writing and it makes me share my deepest, darkest secret.
Bit by bit.

I told some of my friends a big chunk of my secrets.
I can't tell them the whole story.
It was hurting me to confess that secret.
And i knew that they would never understand but i'm still telling them the half story.

I always try to find someone who understand.
But it's not that easy.
People who have been through my secret tend to isolate themselves, just like me.
Well, some of my friends might tell me that they know me well.
But, actually, no one knows me that well.
Except, you have been through what i'm dealing with.

Sometimes, i found a person or two whom i thought will understand me completely.
But it's not that easy to share something with a total stranger.

Hey, i thought it actually is a good idea.
I prefer to share my secret with a total stranger so that i can feel relieved and don't have to bear the guilt of being judged.

You see, whenever i talk about it, i'm nervous.
I'm not being a good narrator, i skip moments because i have to censor some.

What i'm trying to tell you here is, we all have secrets.
Even when you think your BFF has shared all of his/her secrets with you, he/she still hides something.
It's not because they don't trust you.
Sometimes, it hurts so much for confessing the secret.

Don't push people to share their secrets with you.
Trust is earned, not demanded.
If people want to share their secrets, they will.

And the thing about secret is, it will surprise you.
Well, some facts might not surprise you. Maybe you always thought: yeah, he looks like it..
But really, the story is more complicated than that.

When people share their secrets, just listen for them.
Most people do it for the sake of themselves.
Not to show that they trust you.
They do it just because they will go crazy if they don't.

Yes, it's an honor to be shared a secret but you don't have to solve the problems unless they ask for it.
Be a good secret-keeper.
Don't secretly joke about it in front of your friends.
Really, please don't.
It makes the secret-owner nervous.

Don't we want to just scream and tell our secrets to the world?

I have a better idea.
Why don't i move somewhere faraway where no one knows me and start over new?
It's tempting and i am not over it.

Having a secret is not a choice.
A secret might come as a gift, wrapped in your favorite blue ribbon.
Just like the box of Pandora.
You just can do nothing with it yet it's seducing you to do something.

Having a secret is suck.

I don't think i can hold it any longer.

On Surviving Your 20s

Chapter Ten.

Page 289 of 365.

On Surviving Your 20s.


When you are a kid, life is about fun, laugh, cookie, and more fun.
When you are in junior high, life is about experimenting and experiencing new things.
When you are in your teenage years, life is about love, heartbreak, friendship, parent issues, and more heartbreaks.

But as soon as you realize you're not a teen-ager anymore (and yes, 20 is not a teenager, d'oh), you are stumbling your way on finding out about life itself.

When you are in 20-something, life is about finding the reason why you exist.

I'm not an expert yet, but i think i can share some tips on surviving your 20s. (I'm 21, duh, it's like i'm experiencing 2 years of my 20s. I'm a soon-to-be expert, at least.)


1. Realize that time is ticking faster than you think

When you're in your 20, whether you're in college or in marketplace, life doesn't count as days, but as moments. Use your ultimate resources wisely. No, your ultimate resources is not money, it's time. You can lost your money and you can get it back. It doesn't apply for your time.

Stop procrastinating. Stop thinking you have unlimited resources of time. Truth: you might be young, but never be too young to die.

And stop lying that you do any good for yourself by taking a rest. Well, taking a rest is good for your body but watching 8 hours straight Korean variety show is not. Go and make your momma proud.


2. It's time to answer the questions about life

As i mentioned earlier, 20-something is about answering the ultimate question: what are you going to do with your life?

Many people are having hard times answering it. They think that finding out your purpose means there is a sound from heaven telling you to do a great thing to change the world. While i believe there is some people who heard that sound from above, most of us can't wait for the God's whisper.

Deep down inside, you know what you have to do with your life. You're just scared to state it out loud. You're scared that you might not enjoy it. Well, guess what? You can always change your life's direction.

Find out what you love to do and start from there. And please, use your brain. No matter how happy you are when you are shopping around the malls, you can not have swiping the visa card as your calling.


3. Eliminate

Now you know that time is ticking away and you have a calling for your life but now you wonder: how on earth i could possibly do all this stuff and maintaining my relationship with friends, family, and myself?

Simple: eliminate.

Just because you are doing it for years, doesn't mean you have to continually do it. If it doesn't make you happy, why bother? Your family dinner every Friday and meeting some relatives that just talking sh- about your life? Skip it. A bunch of friends who talk about others behind their back? Dump them. Your so-called me time that includes surfing on the internet all day long? Cancel it and go to bookstore instead.

You are responsible for your mental health. When you have a solid reason of not doing something, then don't do it. The only person you have to make him happy is yourself.


4. Be grateful

You live in the most-sophisticated era of human history. We have 4G internet, laptop, smartphone, airplane, and Girls' Generation. That should be enough.

Even so, you are doing better than half of the world population now. You are not in a war, you're alive, you can read, you have internet access to this awesome blog, you have friends and family eventhough some of them are annoying, and you have a shelter and food to eat. Now tell me how a heartbreak could ruin your life...


5. Enjoy life

Being in you 20s is being in your best years. I always thought that teenage year is your best time but it's not. You made stupid decisions on your teenage years. 20s are your second season of the teenage years and just like all the TV shows, second season is always the best.


Now, hit the life.

Menghapus Jejakmu

Chapter Ten.

Page 287 of 365.

Menghapus Jejakmu.


Di situ,
ku lihat lagi jejakmu
pada setiap tawa yang aku dengar.

Sebuah kebahagiaan yang terekam jelas di telingaku,
yang selalu aku rasakan saat bersamamu.

Aku mencoba menghapus jejakmu dari pikiranku.
Kali ini, sekuat tenaga.

Namun,
ku lihat lagi jejakmu
di setiap tangan yang bergandengan.

Sebuah rasa sayang yang terpancar kuat di hatiku
yang selalu aku simpan hanya untukmu.

Aku mencoba menghapus jejakmu dari pikiranku.
Kali ini, sepenuh hati.

Sayangnya,
ku lihat lagi jejakmu
pada setiap tetes air mata yang aku lihat.

Sebuah kesedihan mendalam yang terasa menusuk
yang selalu aku bawa karena mengenalmu.

Aku mencoba menghapus jejakmu dari pikiranku.
Kali ini, untuk selamanya.

Happy Birthday

Chapter Ten.

Page 286 of 365.

Happy Birthday!


"Happy birthday, you!
Enjoy another year of God's favor and goodness.
Jesus loves you."

That was my template for birthday-wishes. Biasanya kalau yang ulang taun itu temen deket, gue akan merelakan sedikit waktu untuk bikin wishes yang specially custom made buat dia. Ucapan ini gue biasa kasih untuk temen yang gak terlalu deket untuk gue kasih ucapan yang personal tapi karena kenal jadinya gak enak kalau gak ngucapin.

If you're my loyal readers, if i have any, mungkin kalian bertanya - tanya kenapa post kali ini bukan puisi sedih yang bikin pengen iris - iris nadi sambil dengerin To Make You Feel My Love versi Ka Sid. Jawabannya adalah karena ini hari spesial untuk beberapa orang di dunia karena hari ini mereka ulang tahun.

Salah satunya adalah J.

Buat yang belum tahu siapa itu J yang sering saya sebut di sini, boleh buka post dulu - dulu. Pokoknya, kalau post itu bikin sedih, inspirasinya adalah si makhluk berinisial J ini.

The story between me and J is kind of funny tapi cerita ini masih jadi rahasia saya dengan Tuhan saja. Even some people yang saya ceritain tentang J, belum saya kasih tau cerita lengkapnya. :)

Yang perlu kalian tahu adalah J sudah jadi semangat saya untuk berbagi berbagai sisi dari sebuah perasaan manis yang mungkin dimiliki antara dua orang anak manusia.
J adalah alasan saya untuk memulai menulis puisi - puisi sedih yang depressing walaupun beberapa orang bilang bagus.
J adalah orang yang berhasil membuat saya merasakan senang, sedih, marah, dan berbagai macam emosi yang bisa dirasakan seorang remaja polos berusia 19 tahun waktu itu.
J adalah pelajaran berharga saya.

Hari ini, 13 Oktober, adalah ulang tahun J.

Saya hampir tidak mungkin mengucapkan pesan ulang tahun buat dia tapi saya masih tetap mau mengucapkan beberapa pesan buat dia.

"Hai, J.
Selamat ulang tahun.
Semoga tahun ini jadi tahun yang baik buat kamu. Buat pekerjaan, buat keluarga, buat kehidupan sosialnya, buat hobi kamu, buat relationship kamu juga. I will always hope better than the best for you.

Terima kasih sudah mengajarkan saya banyak hal. Walaupun tidak mudah buat saya menerimanya, tapi saya bersyukur kalau kamu sudah mau membuat saya membuka mata kepada kenyataan.

Banyak yang mau saya sampaikan tapi saya tidak tahu harus mulai dari mana. Kalau tentang kamu, saya tidak pernah bisa berkata - kata dengan baik karena saya belum bisa menjelaskan keindahanmu dengan 26 huruf saja.

Terima kasih, sekali lagi.

Happy birthday, J."

Dengan ucapan ini, saya mau mengabarkan bahwa saya telah memutuskan untuk tidak mengingat J lagi. Kali ini bukan janji. Ini keputusan. Keputusan yang sulit tapi saya akan terus fokus untuk menjalankannya. Jadi, maafkan saya kalau ke depannya mungkin tidak akan ada puisi sedih dengan gejolak hati yang mendalam seperti sebelumnya. Inspirasi utama saya sudah saya pindahkan dari pikiran saya.

Cheers.

Voluntarily Trapped

Chapter Ten.

Page 283 of 365.

Voluntarily Trapped.


I'm voluntarily trapped in the name of love.
Dancing my way out to go deeper.
Singing my heart out to harm more.

I'm voluntarily trapped in the scent of romance.
Loving the feeling of being sentimental.
Embracing the truth of being deceitful.

I'm voluntarily trapped in the touch of delight.
Enjoy every minute of your lies.
Relish every moment of my sorrow.

I'm voluntarily trapped in the flavor of passion.
Tasting your harshness with a spoonful of sugar.
Sampling the heart-break on a silver platter.

I'm voluntarily trapped by you.
And i'm willing to do it more often.