The Last Thought About You

The light burns me but the darkness scares me.

White refuses me but black runs from me.

Truth hurts me but lie doesn’t comfort me.

The past abuses me but the future creeps me.

Silent makes me cry but noise doesn’t give me joy.

Dream deceives me but reality arrests me.

Love kills me but hate doesn’t match me.

I’m never really sure about what should i feel.

About you.

About me.

About us.

Sometimes, i wish we never met.

Sometimes, i’m grateful for our meetings.

Most of the times, i’m just confused.

For making you don’t feel the way i do, it’s my mistake.

For loving you more than you do to me, it’s my mistake.

For thinking you are mine, it’s my mistake.

For falling in love with you, it’s my mistake.

Sorry.

Sorry for always bothering you.

Sorry for always hoping we could start over new.

Sorry for stuck on while you have moved on.

Sorry for imagining things that never happened.

Too much hopes spend on us.

Too much times wasted for us.

Too much lies made up for us.

Too much love i had for you.

It’s almost two years.

That almost two years, never a day spent without thinking of you.

I know i’m stupid when it comes to love.

I know i’m stupid when it comes to you.

For the last time, let me say my gratitude for you.

Thank you.

Thank you for once talked to me.

Thank you for once gave me laughter.

Thank you for hurting me.

Thank you just for being you.

Thank you.

Welcome, New Beginning!

 It’s the last day of 2012, year where some good laughter have been made and some painful tears have been wiped away. No matter how sweet or painful it was, it’s time to say goodbye to 2012 and get ready for 2013.

Get ready to start over new.

I always kind of liking new year. For me, new year means a brand new start. We should forget what happened in the last year and make a new notes starting the new year. New year means new start for me and i always symbolize it with buying an organizer. Though most of them ran out of paper in the first quarter of the year because i took so many notes in it, new organizer gives me new hope. It tells me that i can start over eveything. It tells me that future is bright, once again.

I made so many good memories in 2012.

I got my first job at Louis Vuitton that only lasted a week because my part time schedule didn’t match me too well.

I got new friends at the new class where i was elected as the President.

I got new friends at my DATE Apartemen Semanggi 2, my cool second home.

I had new niece at Christmas’ Eve.

I took COL class at my church and it changed my life direction.

I met cool and awesome new mentors.

I didn’t get what i want at all this year and i’m sad but i’m alive.

Looking back on 2012, i’m grateful that God didn’t and never leave my side. I’ve been through some tough conditions where i thought, at that time, God didn’t love me that much but life only can be understood backwards.

I’m grateful and thankful for what has happened in 2012. I apologize for everything i did wrong, intentionally and unintentionally. I guess i’m ready for 2013 now.

Welcome, new beginning.

Dogs, Ana, and Mia: A Thought on Fears

Fears.

Everyone, i guess, has their own fears. Fear of dogs, fear of deaths, fear of speaking in front of people, fear of being left behind, fear of spider, fear of heights, fear of being obese, fear of being skinny, and so on. It may sound silly for some others but for the one who has the fear, it’s practically logical to be feared of it.

I’m not a fearless man. I have my own fears. Dogs, for instance. Bring to me even the most cutest puppy in the world and i can turn into a stone statue in a second, not being able to move at all. I entertained some people, most of them are my relatives and families, with my fear of dogs. I suddenly lost my mind when i meet those four legs furry animal.

Another story about fears, i have a friend whose fear is gaining weight. The funniest part is this friend is a guy. I thought this anorexia thing only happen to girls but i was wrong. Even he admitted that he was with anorexia and bulimia, he called them ana and mia. LOL. At first, his fear is okay to me. I mean, we have our own fears and he haven’t seen me react with dogs so i don’t want to judge his fears about weight gaining. He’s in a great shape, actually. Well, he was chubby but i never thought it would lead him into ana and mia.  He worked out like a mad man and eat normally but as soon as he reached home, he hurled himself to calm himself down. It happened for almost three years. Now, i can proudly announced that my friend finally broke up with ana and mia.

Sometimes, i thought fear is a good thing. Fears make us to do something we can not do in sane condition. I run faster to avoid dogs. My friend worked out like a ninja to avoid weight gaining. Somehow, it motivates us to break the limit to make ourselves in the comfort zone.

But, still, fears have negative impacts too. On the polar opposites of the advantage which is breaking the limit for us, it also limits us to go further in life. When my friend and his ana and mia are in a relationship, i saw him suffered a lot. Not physically, but mentally. He was a cheerful guy around us but inside, i know, that he was too concious about his physical appearance. A joke about his looks would he took as an offensive comment.

I know it’s so damn hard to fight our own fears. I still can not tolerate dogs, no matter how had i try. I mean, i watched Hachiko and try to picture every dog just as good as Hachiko but it didn’t work. It takes time but the key is you’re trying.

Well, that’s all for tonight, people.

Cheers.

The Ballad of the Happiest Boy in The World

One day, there was a boy who loved to sit alone at the corner.

He was shy, very shy.

He caught up in his own world, made by his creative imagination.

He was happy.

He were a pirate once.

He went to the darkest cave and found a land full of dinosaur.

He searched for the treasure, guarded by the dragons.

He was happy.

Then, came a friend to his corner one day.

This friend introduced our little boy to a new world,

A world where the adventure was more intense and way cooler.

He was happier.

Together, they spent their days in awe.

More and more, our little boy felt different feelings towards his friend.

Stronger than ever, he felt that they are more than just friends.

He was the happiest boy in the world.

Until one day, his friend didn’t come again to his corner.

He was left alone like he used to be.

But our little boy just patiently waited for his friend.

He was happy waiting for his friend.

He was happy.

“You know what’s wrong with that guy?”

“He’s been like that for years. He is imagining things.”

Silly Simple Feeling

Have you ever been wondering what makes two people could be in love with each other?

What does it take to get the feelings requited?

How to make the feelings last for long?


They said, it takes two to tango and to love.

No matter what you feel, if he doesn't feel the same way like you do,

It's not love. It's just a stupid feelings.


Sometimes, it's easier to keep the feelings inside

than have to face the consequences of expressing it.

It's not fair but i guess it's just the way life rolls.


You can not love them secretly.

Maybe the best thing you could hope is that

Faith is gonna make it up for you two.


But feeling, sometimes, has its own expiration date.

This is the best part because you can tell

Whether it is love or just a simple crush.


So close yet still so far to the happy ever after.

They say, it just takes a simple three words to get there.

If only you could say those words.


Silly.

Happy Christmas! :)

It’s the December 24th which means tonight is the Eve of Christmas. For all of my readers, Happy Christmas for you all. Whether you celebrate it or not, Christmas is still for everyone. Wish you all the best day of the year.

I just want to share what Christmas is from my point of view. On my teenage years, Christmas always spelled as B-U-S-Y. I was always in charge of the Youth Christmas Celebration at my previous church. 

Don’t get me wrong, i totally love being busy for Christmas. I love doing something for others. But, as time goes by, i felt like it’s not supposed to be like this every Christmas.

Since i moved to JPCC, i learned to be a good congregation. I sit at the hall with other congregations, not running all my way here and there, busy preparing for the services to run out smoothly like what i always did in my previous church. I was thinking, i was being Maria, not Martha finally.

It’s almost the third year i’ve been moved to JPCC. I had participated in some events but not as busy as i was in my previous church. I thought i was happy. But it turns out that doing nothing is not good for me.

Then i come up to a conclusion:

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT THE FREEDOM OF DOING WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU AND FOR OTHERS.

IF BEING BUSY HELPS YOU TO FEEL WHAT CHRISTMAS IS, THEN IT’S GOOD.

WHAT MATTERS THE MOST IS THAT JESUS BEING THE CENTER OF IT ALL.

Cheers.

Now Playing: Memories.

Have you ever wondered what might have been if you didn’t do, or did, some things in the past? Are you missing something good or are you making the right choice at that time?

Pertanyaan itu lagi gue pikirin selama beberapa hari belakangan ini. Kalo misalnya mundur ke tiga tahun belakang dan gue bisa mulai kehidupan gue dari saat itu lagi, gue pasti akan melakukan beberapa tindakan yang berbeda since i know what i have to deal with if i don’t make any changes.

Tapi hal itu malah bikin gue mikir, bukannya setiap pilihan kita tetap akan ada konsekuensinya? Bukan karena satu pilihan terlihat kurang baik berarti pilihan lain lebih baik, kan?

Looking back is good, it’s always been a good therapy to do sometimes. It makes us grateful and realize how far we have gone. It makes us smile at the stupid things we did. It makes us happy when we remember the sweet moments we made. It gives us the reason why the tough things happened. Looking back sometimes is good.

Tapi, setelah merenung dan berpikir ulang lagi, i’m grateful for anything. What happened in the past makes what i am today and i love me today.

Yang paling penting dalam hidup ini adalah memilih. Bukan memilih apa yang benar atau apa yang baik karena semua hal itu relatif dan kontekstual. The art of life is making the moments that are worth to remember for the rest of our lives.

Cheers.

8 Best Korean Ballad Songs (Part One)

Despite of the language barrier, these are some of the ballad songs that i found perfectly to be heard when you are driving in the rain alone. What makes it perfect, even if you're not speaking Korean, you still can grab the inner feelings of the song once you heard it. Okay, get some tissue because these songs are the ultimate teardropper.

8. Lonely – 2NE1

This song tells aboout the loneliness of one side in a relationship while they are still being together. No matter how hard you try to keep the fire on, the feeling seems like has faded away with time. Eventhough i haven’t felt the real connection with the song, this is a song that many people can relate to, if they were honest with themselves.

Best lyric part (in English translation):

Baby, i’m sorry, eventhough with you, i’m lonely.

7. Dear Mom – Girls’ Generation / SNSD

I never thought if it possible to fall in love with 9 girls at one time but after hear this song, i bet you will instantly love them. This song tells us about a grown up girl, living all alone by herself but she found that she is as she is now because of her mother that always love her unconditionally. Sing it at the Mother’s Day and it will make your mom cries, for sure, even though she doesn’t get the lyrics. Oh, the best part of the song is that Yuri got a whole verses to sing!

Best lyric part:

Though I’ve made hurtful wrong choices, you silently watched over me from behind (This is Yuri’s part, by the way).

6. No Matter How I Think About It – Sweet Sorrow

This song maybe sound familiar to you if you play Audition AyoDance or watch Running Man. This song was sung by Sweet Sorrow, a four male group that may not as famous as Super Junior yet but they definitely can sing!

Best lyric part:

If i just be a little more honest I’m in the point that hurts too much, the point that i look at you with the lonely eyes.

5. One Man – Kim Jong Kook

Okay, first of all, he is like the best ballader of Korean singers. Second of all, this song expresses collective souls of guys that can’t tell their feelings to their beloved ones but already happy seeing them from afar. No need for further explanation. If you can’t relate to this song, you are either a robot or just plain dumbfounded.

Best lyric part:

There’s a girl who doesn’t know i’m like this. Who receives love but don’t know that it is love.

4. Mistake – Girls’ Generation / SNSD

Eventhough they are famous for their dance songs, SNSD has some good ballads to listen to. I posted the lyric of the demo version, originally titled Watching Over Me, some days ago. Another surprise, though Yuri only get a single line in this song, the lyric is written by her! This after break-up song tells us about a girl that humbly admits that the break up was because of her who is lacking of anything.

Best lyric part:

I knew i couldn’t have you but my love for you just kept growing.

3. A Girl Meets Love – K Will & Tiffany Hwang

This is not a song. It’s a story about a young girl and a man that love each other, told in a perfect musical way. Epic. Way too epic. Tiffany and K Will should sing more often together. Can’t even imagine anyone sings this better than them but i would give Yuri a shot.

Best lyric part:

I know I’m bad but I can’t let you go. Let me have your name and the memories of you.

2. You Wouldn’t Answer My Calls – 2AM

2AM might not be as famous as their dongsaengs, 2PM, but if it comes to quality, you have to agree that they sound better than Taecyeon and gangs. The only thing that bad of this song is the music video. They should have made it simpler because the song is already strong on its own. This song is about regret, regret, and much regret, something that we all can always relate to often.

Best lyric part:

No matter how I beg for forgiveness, there’s already no use.

1.      Tears Are Falling – Shin Jae

This is it. Best of the best. This song sums up my and many people’s emotion perfectly. Do you know that feelings of being happy and sad at the same time? Happy, because you get the one you love by your side. Sad, because the one that you love will never be yours. And when you cry, those are the most painful tears you ever had for someone.. If you read this and imagine of someone.. Yes, the one that you love.. :’)

Best lyric part:

Tears are falling again because i want to see you. I choked on my tears, I swallowed the words that i love you.

life is stupid

life is stupid.

i mean, we got to live with people's expectation and rules which are, for me, most of then just doesn't make any sense. i hate it when what i'm dying to do seems as something bad to do. no, i don't talk about doing stupid crime like killing people. there are some other things i want to do that still look as something bad to do.

now i'm gonna leave you here wondering what is that.

have you ever been tired of doing the good deeds and still trapped in the mediocrity?

have you ever been tired of doing the good things for others and put yourself aside?

it's like being altruistic is the thing that you have to do for the rest of your sorry life.

even when it comes to some private things. i mean, does it hurt you to see others happy, people? does it offend you when others are making their own happiness? why some have to bear the consequences from what others are doing? 

life is stupid.

sucks.

stupid things

great things happen when we don't expect it.

like you.

i never had any expectations when we first talk.

i just like to have a chat with anyone.

and then time goes by.

i realized i was wrong.

i don't like to have a chat with anyone.

i like to have a chat with you.

only you.

stupid things.

dreams.

wisdom.

stupid things.

that's what we always talked about.

we just make the most of the times when we talked.

and even when we talked about relationship.

your relationship.

i don't have any burden or anything.

i was happy because you were happy when you talked about it.

stupid things.

dreams.

wisdom.

stupid things.

it's just silly how i remember the first day we talked to each other.

boredom, it's what makes us have a chat.

ah, those great times now are just memories.

are you  out there now bored?

i am.

and i know what can make me smile..

stupid things.

watching over me - jenny hyun (snsd's original demo of mistake)

When we said our last goodbye 
There was so much still on my mind 
But I kept it all inside

The world can be a crazy place 
You forget all the things you want to say 
And let the moment slip away 

How I wish that I have time to make you see 
How everything you did
It really mattered to me 

You always told me that I should never let up 
Hold my head up high 
You always told me that I should never give up 
Reach for the sky 
Said you’ll be looking out for me 
No matter what we’re going to be 
Are you out there now? 
Watching over me.. 

So many times I long to see you 
To just pick up the phone and call you 
So we could talk like we used to
 
I wonder what you think of me now 
Even though I’m still trying to figure it out 
I wonder if I make you proud 

How I wish that I have time to make you see 
How everything you did
It really mattered to me 

You always told me that I should never let up 
Hold my head up high 
You always told me that I should never give up 
Reach for the sky 
Said you’ll be looking out for me 
No matter what we’re going to be 
Are you out there now? 
Watching over me.. 

Never the one to misunderstand 
Never the one to hold back your hand (day after day) 
Stood by me day after day 
Made me believe I’ll find my way 
Are you out there now? 
Are you out there now?
 
You always told me I should never let up 
Hold my head up high (hold my head up high) 
You always told me that I should never give up (wish you are still be my side) 
Reach for the sky 
Said you’ll be looking out for me (say you’ll be looking out for me) 
No matter what we’re going to be (oohhh yeah) 
Are you out there now? 
Watching over me.. 

Oh, yes you are 
You are out there now 
Watching over me 

hello, goodbye, and anything in between

Meetings are happy,

partings are sad,

everything is just a moment.


No, i didn't make the quotes. i found it on wikipedia when i was wandering around and ended up reading about a Korean actor that commited a suicide after being open about his sexuality. it's a sad story though. and i read it while snsd's mistake played on replay as backsong.

i've been thinking about life more often lately. i don't mean to be so dramatic but yeah, it really gave me goosebumps, to think that life is, in fact, going on and on between happiness, sadness, and moments.

think about the most happy time you ever had.

now think about the most sad time you ever been through.

now think about any random day of your life.

...

...

...

which one is the hardest?

if your brain works in the same frequencies as mine, you'll find that the last one is the hardest thing to do.

we only remember two moments, the happy ones and the sad ones. no one remembers any random event.

what does your life consist of? sad moments or the happy ones?

everything we did, it matters to us and anyone else.

when you read the first sentence, do you think about a particular someone on the first two lines?

i do think about someone. and i totally agree about it.

meeting is happy. parting is sad, even devastating. and everything in between is.. :)

anytime i hear or see the name, i still feel this little ticklish feeling. hahaha.

i actually don't know what i want to write or why i suddenly write about that particular someone but i think looking back is always good sometimes.

even better is, recalling the past and find myself smiling like an idiot that i still could have some moments spend with you.. :)